did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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