My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
