I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
