I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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