omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
