This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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