You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
