so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Oh god it's open bar.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
