she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
