I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
