The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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