NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So apparently I’m into choking now
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
