It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
