im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
