This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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