I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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