I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
