You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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