So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You may now shotgun with the bride
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
