He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
