I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
