So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
