Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
