youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
