after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
