My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
