Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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