so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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