we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
