don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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