I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
