i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm too high and old for this...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize