I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
