I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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