The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
