I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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