This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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