I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
