she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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