I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
