I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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