Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
