come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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