i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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