I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
