Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
