he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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