I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
