The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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