ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
