bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
