You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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