Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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