Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
