I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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