How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
