you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
